I believe that it is highly beneficial to go through life with as little judgement of others as possible- listen to their opinions/stances/beliefs and then try to figure out how their circumstances and experiences shaped those views. There is no such thing as normal. I could write for days with personal anecdotes to back up that statement. Some of my richest experiences have been with those who are most unlike me. For the most part, everyone is trying to do the best they can with what they were given.
In response to your line about unlocking your full potential- I would say that it is important for people like you and I to try to turn down the intensity in which we scrutinize ourselves and realize that while there is always room for growth, it is also important to be kind to ourselves as we tend to be our own harshest critic.
One way to do that is to find time for activities that put you into a flow state. Peace from mind as Naval would say. I really enjoy your writing style. Keep up the good work.
Great point Tom. I too think it is essential that we be gentle on ourselves. It would be a great topic to write about too, as it's something that's not often discussed.
Hi Amit, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this matter - so far I'm finding your blog posts very inspiring and they are making me think a bit more about the way I perceive and understand the world :) Having said that, I do wonder whether there's a point in creating labels for ourselves and others. For example, if I am aware of the fact that I am - say - a bit chaotic and disorganised, this knowledge can help me as a reminder that organisation doesn't come natural to me and therefore I have to make an extra effort in order to accomplish my goals. Likewise, if someone has been mean or cruel to us in the past, I think it makes sense to label that individual as such so that we have an idea of what to expect from them (or what not to expect from them). Just like we learn that the dish in the oven is hot (and therefore we shouldn't grab it with bare hands) the first time we go for it, we also learn to behave with others according to our past experiences. That may not be entirely fair for those who have changed and to whom the label no longer applies, but I guess their job will be - if they so wish - to prove others that there has been a change in their behaviour and the label no longer applies to them
Hi Irene, I'll write what instinctively came to mind as I read your comment. I think when we hold on to unhealthy labels, we get into issues.
For example, you recognizing yourself as chaotic and working toward becoming more organized is different from you labelling yourself as chaotic and holding on to that label. When you're working on becoming organized, you're _organizing_ yourself, you've left behind the label of chaos.
However, when we label others (say mean) and have no way of re-evaluating those labels, I see a problem there. They usually stop you from learning more about that person, because you have erected a wall b/w yourself and them. Notice that it's you who have labelled them. To others, they may still be kind but to you they are mean. So you've kind of left it to them to knock this wall down, a wall that you have erected. The onus is on them. At times, that person may be inconsequential, but if that person is important to you, this could lead to problems - and that's exactly what happens in many relationships. Both parties erect their own walls and expect the other to bring them down.
Labels are always going to be subjective - what I find uncomfortable (say, eating broccoli) might turn out to be a pleasurable experience for you. This doesn't mean I don't get to label broccoli as unpleasant based on my experience. And given that you and many others claim broccoli to be nice (and healthy), I may very well give the vegetable a second chance - maybe cook it differently or add some sauce to it - but that doesn't mean my first experience of eating broccoli should be erased. We all learn from our experiences interacting with the environment, and I find the idea of starting every new interaction with people and elements that are familiar to us from a clean slate not only unrealistic but also counterproductive.
I agree that we should be more flexible with our idea of others and challenge our beliefs, as more often than not our judgment of others is a reflection of our own insecurities and fears. However, there is a lot of value in learning from our experiences of others and choosing to act differently in the future based on those. Otherwise, people would never be able to leave damaging relationships (to them) because - well - it'd be unfair to judge someone based on their past choices and behaviour. Again, someone might be the perfect friend or partner for you and yet be damaging to me (I have seen individuals be abusive in one relationship and not be abusive in their next relationship), but me labelling them as toxic for me is, I think, a wise thing to do.
Really enjoying having this discussion over here, very insightful to hear everyone's thoughts! :)
Yes Irene, I think the point we get from our discussion is the importance of healthy labels and the side effects of unhealthy ones - no self-growth. It's now up to our awareness and intelligence to know which ones should we focus on :)
Thats quite true! and insightful In close relationships labelling create walls many a times even when both of the persons are right in their own sense! Though dynamics can change in ephemeral transactional relationships
Hi Amit! I sincerely appreciate what you are conveying. But I will share a bit contrarian life-experience with you. You can label me as a Critic then :P but frankly I am not, I just intend to delve deeper into the things . I used to be the same - no labeling of others and giving another person a chance always. To be a sort of Gandhian in this regard. But I found this approach frustrating on two counts. If I avoid labels, my mind tends to overthink, tends to doubt what has been observed in the alter-ego's behaviour multiple times. In such a scenario, not labeling means I spend my mental energy a lot in judging people who actually dont matter in my life that much. Thus labeling, practically saves us time and energy to arrive at quick decisions. But I keep that much room available that label is allowed to change whenever a contrarian evidence arrives. Thus I am able to avoid stereotyping. I myself have been victim of stereotyping many a times and I know how bad that is. But labeling in itself to me is a great practical tool to navigate my life smoothly. Its bad when it turns to stereotyping. Your two cents?
The point of not labelling was to avoid spending mental energy :)
Since you are constantly aware & learning - you don't spend energy in processing too much, which is what happens when we constantly evaluate & reevaluate labels. The easier thing IMO is to observe, learn and keep an open mind. Close-mindedness leads to issues. Stereotyping is societal, but labelling is personal and hence I don't think you can conflate the two.
You're very clear in expanding and explaining this very human habit of labeling and judging.
I see the pros and cons much the way you do. It seems to me like this whole process of labeling is tied to the pursuit of optimal living. In order for any mind to find the path of least resistance, it just whips out a few label driven heuristics based on memories and *boom*, achievement unlocked.
I'm half way through David Sinclair's book on aging right now and there's a chapter on cell senescence you might find interesting. Senescence is basically a phenomena where cells turn into zombies and stop responding stimuli. They just no longer divide. And Sinclair presents the phenomena as a kind of evolutionary mechanism to stop tumors in our younger years so cancer is kept at bay. But on the flip side, later in life when we need cells to divide to keep the body healthy, these same senescent cells are as good as couch potatoes so the aging process accelerates. Sorry for the long tangent! I just wanted to share that the body and mind both have certain intelligence/algorithms that work for us, but then turn against us long after a goal has been achieved.
So If I've been cheated or hurt by someone, I realize all the labels in the world are not going to change that person or give me a peaceful & happy state of mind. But my mind, ever positioned to keep me away from this character and those who have similar traits, now has laundry to do each time I meet a shady guy or just when I'm daydreaming.
So I guess this is where I'm also looking for the healthy thing. All the DNA in our body if unwinded, bit by bit, would wrap around the solar system twice. Seems like a waste of perfectly good intelligence if I'm busy turning my prefrontal cortex into a god damn spreadsheet of labels that were created cause I got hurt or emotionally bruised.
I believe that it is highly beneficial to go through life with as little judgement of others as possible- listen to their opinions/stances/beliefs and then try to figure out how their circumstances and experiences shaped those views. There is no such thing as normal. I could write for days with personal anecdotes to back up that statement. Some of my richest experiences have been with those who are most unlike me. For the most part, everyone is trying to do the best they can with what they were given.
In response to your line about unlocking your full potential- I would say that it is important for people like you and I to try to turn down the intensity in which we scrutinize ourselves and realize that while there is always room for growth, it is also important to be kind to ourselves as we tend to be our own harshest critic.
One way to do that is to find time for activities that put you into a flow state. Peace from mind as Naval would say. I really enjoy your writing style. Keep up the good work.
Great point Tom. I too think it is essential that we be gentle on ourselves. It would be a great topic to write about too, as it's something that's not often discussed.
Hi Amit, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this matter - so far I'm finding your blog posts very inspiring and they are making me think a bit more about the way I perceive and understand the world :) Having said that, I do wonder whether there's a point in creating labels for ourselves and others. For example, if I am aware of the fact that I am - say - a bit chaotic and disorganised, this knowledge can help me as a reminder that organisation doesn't come natural to me and therefore I have to make an extra effort in order to accomplish my goals. Likewise, if someone has been mean or cruel to us in the past, I think it makes sense to label that individual as such so that we have an idea of what to expect from them (or what not to expect from them). Just like we learn that the dish in the oven is hot (and therefore we shouldn't grab it with bare hands) the first time we go for it, we also learn to behave with others according to our past experiences. That may not be entirely fair for those who have changed and to whom the label no longer applies, but I guess their job will be - if they so wish - to prove others that there has been a change in their behaviour and the label no longer applies to them
Hi Irene, I'll write what instinctively came to mind as I read your comment. I think when we hold on to unhealthy labels, we get into issues.
For example, you recognizing yourself as chaotic and working toward becoming more organized is different from you labelling yourself as chaotic and holding on to that label. When you're working on becoming organized, you're _organizing_ yourself, you've left behind the label of chaos.
However, when we label others (say mean) and have no way of re-evaluating those labels, I see a problem there. They usually stop you from learning more about that person, because you have erected a wall b/w yourself and them. Notice that it's you who have labelled them. To others, they may still be kind but to you they are mean. So you've kind of left it to them to knock this wall down, a wall that you have erected. The onus is on them. At times, that person may be inconsequential, but if that person is important to you, this could lead to problems - and that's exactly what happens in many relationships. Both parties erect their own walls and expect the other to bring them down.
Labels are always going to be subjective - what I find uncomfortable (say, eating broccoli) might turn out to be a pleasurable experience for you. This doesn't mean I don't get to label broccoli as unpleasant based on my experience. And given that you and many others claim broccoli to be nice (and healthy), I may very well give the vegetable a second chance - maybe cook it differently or add some sauce to it - but that doesn't mean my first experience of eating broccoli should be erased. We all learn from our experiences interacting with the environment, and I find the idea of starting every new interaction with people and elements that are familiar to us from a clean slate not only unrealistic but also counterproductive.
I agree that we should be more flexible with our idea of others and challenge our beliefs, as more often than not our judgment of others is a reflection of our own insecurities and fears. However, there is a lot of value in learning from our experiences of others and choosing to act differently in the future based on those. Otherwise, people would never be able to leave damaging relationships (to them) because - well - it'd be unfair to judge someone based on their past choices and behaviour. Again, someone might be the perfect friend or partner for you and yet be damaging to me (I have seen individuals be abusive in one relationship and not be abusive in their next relationship), but me labelling them as toxic for me is, I think, a wise thing to do.
Really enjoying having this discussion over here, very insightful to hear everyone's thoughts! :)
Yes Irene, I think the point we get from our discussion is the importance of healthy labels and the side effects of unhealthy ones - no self-growth. It's now up to our awareness and intelligence to know which ones should we focus on :)
Thats quite true! and insightful In close relationships labelling create walls many a times even when both of the persons are right in their own sense! Though dynamics can change in ephemeral transactional relationships
Also, a point I would like to add which strengthens your viewpoint is famed Thomas Theorem and Pygmalion Effect.
Thomas Theorem: If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences.
Labeling can feed itself and lead to distorted perception! +ve or -ve
Hi Amit! I sincerely appreciate what you are conveying. But I will share a bit contrarian life-experience with you. You can label me as a Critic then :P but frankly I am not, I just intend to delve deeper into the things . I used to be the same - no labeling of others and giving another person a chance always. To be a sort of Gandhian in this regard. But I found this approach frustrating on two counts. If I avoid labels, my mind tends to overthink, tends to doubt what has been observed in the alter-ego's behaviour multiple times. In such a scenario, not labeling means I spend my mental energy a lot in judging people who actually dont matter in my life that much. Thus labeling, practically saves us time and energy to arrive at quick decisions. But I keep that much room available that label is allowed to change whenever a contrarian evidence arrives. Thus I am able to avoid stereotyping. I myself have been victim of stereotyping many a times and I know how bad that is. But labeling in itself to me is a great practical tool to navigate my life smoothly. Its bad when it turns to stereotyping. Your two cents?
The point of not labelling was to avoid spending mental energy :)
Since you are constantly aware & learning - you don't spend energy in processing too much, which is what happens when we constantly evaluate & reevaluate labels. The easier thing IMO is to observe, learn and keep an open mind. Close-mindedness leads to issues. Stereotyping is societal, but labelling is personal and hence I don't think you can conflate the two.
You're very clear in expanding and explaining this very human habit of labeling and judging.
I see the pros and cons much the way you do. It seems to me like this whole process of labeling is tied to the pursuit of optimal living. In order for any mind to find the path of least resistance, it just whips out a few label driven heuristics based on memories and *boom*, achievement unlocked.
I'm half way through David Sinclair's book on aging right now and there's a chapter on cell senescence you might find interesting. Senescence is basically a phenomena where cells turn into zombies and stop responding stimuli. They just no longer divide. And Sinclair presents the phenomena as a kind of evolutionary mechanism to stop tumors in our younger years so cancer is kept at bay. But on the flip side, later in life when we need cells to divide to keep the body healthy, these same senescent cells are as good as couch potatoes so the aging process accelerates. Sorry for the long tangent! I just wanted to share that the body and mind both have certain intelligence/algorithms that work for us, but then turn against us long after a goal has been achieved.
So If I've been cheated or hurt by someone, I realize all the labels in the world are not going to change that person or give me a peaceful & happy state of mind. But my mind, ever positioned to keep me away from this character and those who have similar traits, now has laundry to do each time I meet a shady guy or just when I'm daydreaming.
So I guess this is where I'm also looking for the healthy thing. All the DNA in our body if unwinded, bit by bit, would wrap around the solar system twice. Seems like a waste of perfectly good intelligence if I'm busy turning my prefrontal cortex into a god damn spreadsheet of labels that were created cause I got hurt or emotionally bruised.